Who has control?

In the past, I’ve often called myself a bit of a control freak.  When I lived on my own, it was much more apparent.  I like things done a certain way.  I liked things to be put away, organized and tidy.  I was single-minded and not particularly open to doing things any way other than my own.  It was one of the things that I was most nervous about when I became a parent, how would I adapt?  Turns out it was difficult for me to let go.

When Grace arrived, it was rather easy for a while, I could keep things the way I wanted them and then she started moving of her own volition and it all changed.  It stressed me out a lot.  And then, of course, Monty came along and it became double trouble.  I started telling myself and others that I had lowered my standards because who can keep up with the double tornado?  The truth is though, I haven’t lowered my standards.  I do still have a desire to have a place for everything and everything in its place, toys organized by type, clothes folded and put away as per the Konmari method, and a structured routine that everyone is aware of.  What I have come to realize is that despite still having these desires, my reaction to not being in complete control has changed.  I try not to let it upset me as much as I used to, mostly because it just makes everyone unhappy.  Sure, we can train the kids to put away their toys (which is a constant battle) and I can express my desires for tidiness so that Eliot and the kids have clear expectations but in the end, I can’t control their actions. The only thing I can control is my reaction.

This goes for a lot of things in life.  The holiday season brings a lot of expectations, whether we want it to or not.   Often the reality doesn’t meet those expectations and we are left feeling sad and disappointed.  I did this holiday season.  I also let it impact the moods of our family.  I was terse and cranky and have been since, even though I have been trying my damndest to snap out of it.  This morning I realized I hadn’t taken control of my reactions completely, I was kind of reveling in the moodiness.  So I tried something new, I tried an affirmation and I changed my story.  Yes, saying them out loud feels nuts to start with but it definitely helped (try doing it in the shower) and I have repeated it each time something or someone has done something that ticks me off.  So now I feel I am back in control, in control of me and my story.

Who are you letting control you?

1 Comment

  1. Experiencing is one part, realizing what we experience is altogether different..

    We can’t control others and expect they act as our liking, what we can surely do is not to react when it doesn’t happen the way we want it…

    Rightly summed up Leigh..

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